A gruesome discovery

Last Tuesday night I had a gruesome discovery. Even if the email was sent like 2 years or even last year, I was extremely upset and frustrated by it. To know the fact that he was seeing someone else while he was seeing me, is just too upsetting. When I asked him who is she, he just told me that they were only friends. FRIEND....people said a picture paints a thousand words and those pictures doesn't seem to express the word FRIEND at all. And to add to all that, there's even a video which also doesn't seem to spelling the word FRIEND out loud. It looked so bloody intimate. Something that I never do at all. The emails that he sent to her, is not the kind of email that he would send to me. Let alone the words. Those words, he never say that to me as well.

I'm so upset now that it has to be this way. I was doing fine before Christmas. I was already forgetting whatever that has happened. And then when he started to be nice to me and all, I got weak and the whole drama continues. At times, I thought that I may have a special privilege compare to that girl. But still, he sees me as a FRIEND and nothing more. I gave him a slap on the face that same night. I told him "FRIEND not sleep together. FRIEND don't have sex with each other." I was already very comfortable in settling down with him. I treated him like he's already been a part of me. A part that it is impossible to detach. And now.....

I don't know now. I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of crying and trying. I'm just too tired of even to think about it. After seeing all that, I felt that history is repeating itself. The only thing that make it worse is that I've done and I've given more than what I should give. Perhaps it's true after all what people said. If you love someone, don't give yourself up 100%. Keep some for yourself. What truly upset me, he of all other people knew what I went through last time. How I got my heart broken like a shattered glass. How I despise man. How I build my defense so high and strong. How I became so cold. He knew what I went through. And yet he dare to do that to me. I remember when I agreed to be his girlfriend, I told him not to break my heart and not to make me cry again. But in the end, I shed tears more than what I should shed and my heart broke more than what it should be.

I'm very tired now. I don't know what is going to happen to me......